Help for the Parent of a Teenager

I read this great little book recently and thought I would share some highlights with you because if your life is anything like mine, I don't always have time to sit a read a book. God's Word is priority in my reading but now and then I need to educate myself on something and since I have a teen and another 2 on their way I need to learn all I can.

The book is For Parents Only, by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice. It's a look inside the minds of kids and what's important to them and how we as parents can understand them better. Let's face it, if you are a parent of a teen or adolescent, the culture is different from when we grew up and we need to know what is going on.

Much research was done with focus groups of kids. I will just share the highlights that I got out of the book. Please read the whole thing though if you have time.

1. Teens want freedom. It is important to give freedom or loosen the boundaries gradually as we can because at this stage of life whether we like it our not, our kids are trying to separate themselves from parents. It's not because they don't love us, but so they can become the person they are meant to be. Learn what freedoms your child can handle and try to avoid unnecessarily taking them away or it will feel like punishment and may cause frustration or fights. This is a great time to help kids work through decision making together.

2. Kids need help making decisions right now, or guided discussion about what they are thinking. Teens brains are not fully developed yet. Can you guess which process is not yet matured??? The one that deals with CONSEQUENCES. They cannot yet fully put what they do together with consequences and make wise decisions. They think they can do all, will never get hurt, caught, or found out. They also need us to understand this and help them through these years by point out the wise thing to them.

3. Teach them the truth and if they seem to pull away from our values at any point, know that they are just trying to attach the values to themselves personally without force from us. If you think about it, we can't force anyone to value what we value. They have to try it out and believe it for themselves to be genuine. They will usually choose the right way if we don't push too hard. The more we push the more they will distance themselves even if they don't want to (I know this personally to be true). Remember "Rules without relationship equals rebellion" that's not in this book but goes along with that concept.

4. Be the bad guy. All kids need rules and boundaries. They don't feel secure without them (look that the world, kids are changing because parents are no longer in charge...it produces wild children).
Teens shared that they feel loved and secure when they had rules and rules that were enforced. They may say "I hate you" but they don't. They are just frustrated at what that rule or decision you make will do to their life. They need you to make the best choice for them even if they don't understand right now. Also, tell your kids the reason for the rules, they need reasons so that they understand and learn. Telling our kids why (90% of them time) can really help the relationship remain open. Three year olds may not need the why, but as they grow it will embed those values in your kids if you share your motives with them some of the time.

5. Kids need your focused attention. They need to feel secure and special to you. Just being in the room with our laptop while they watch TV is not what I mean. The book shared that they notice when we are pretending to spend quality time with them.

6. Do you support them even when they mess up?
One of the biggest relationship killers is how we react to people. Our children are no different. Kids will make bad choices and mess up, it's how they learn. Our reaction needs to be one of support not disgust. Loving them even when they mess up and helping them work through things is what they need. If we want them to talk to us, we need to be sensitive and aware of our reactions to them in every situation. Think about how God treats us everyday when we mess up. He is slow to anger. Hint for us parents from the ultimate Father.

7.Listen to the feelings behind the words.
Sometimes our kids say things that sound angry, but really it's fear that's behind it. We need to listen and gently dig deeper to the feeling and emotion behind the words. Remain calm when they talk. If they sense any uncomfortable reaction from us initially they will most likely close up and not open up again. They need to know we are unconditionally there to talk with.

8. Make sure they know they are special. Build them up with words and mean them. Tell them and show them that they're your world. They may seem so independent but they still need us emotionally and physically. Study your child and his/her uniqueness and love them as they need.

The book gives dozens of survey results and quotes teens on many issues. It is eye-opening to read. Sometimes looking back on our own life as a teen is not enough. This book helps with that.